What am I? 

I once was talking to a boy on the phone when I was in highschool. He said Girl, what exactly do you have going for you in life? He says be real? You know your not going to college. He asks do you even have a job? He says do you even have good enough grades for a scholarship. We both know your not going to amount to nothing.   Some friend huh?? 

Fast forward to now. That haunts me. I think about what he has said often. Am sometimes I wonder, was what he said true? Here I am, not a college graduate, on unemployment, and a mother of two living paycheck to paycheck with a piece of shit car. My house is always messy, I’ve gained a lot of weight and I have no friends. I sit around all day wishing for a life I don’t have and I’m not doing anything to achieve it. I try to be a good momma but I am slacking there too. I try to be a good girlfriend but I’m not. Sex is barley happening, and when it does we do it the same way everytime. 

In the beginning of our relationship I was wild. Free! I had sex and A LOT. I had friends, a life, a job! I drank every weekend and I wasn’t over weight. I feel like I just gave the hell up. My kids depend on me and I feel as if I am not there for them the way I need to be. I’m not fun anymore. I just want myself back.

I want to be adventurous in everything I do. I want to be happy, I want to run and play with my kids, see my friends and have sex and blow his mind again. I need to find my way. I need to find myself…

The significance of him in my high school days.

I didn’t even pay much attention to him. I’ve seen him before but I never really saw him until after something tragic happen and it was the talk of our little home town school. He was in my graduating class. Along with his cousin, which I actually had spoke to before. And I never even noticed him. Not until the accident that crushed our little town. Then I knew exactly who he was. When I first started to see him, as in stare at him in the cafeteria. The day he came back to school after the accident. And classmates surrounded him and scooted close to him, and I saw him! He was a little beat up, looked a little nervous, wearing his red and grey coat. Sitting there surround by our peers. 

I felt sorry for him, I wanted to talk to him, I just wanted him to talk to me. That day I didn’t see him again. A few days go by and I’m out running around with a friend. We decided to stop off and see a friend of his. And it turns out the friend of my friend knew me. He knew me as a little girl. So I said yes!! Let’s stop in. I walk in and this man comes out, tells me I look just like my momma, (he dated my momma) asked if I was as wild as she was, I said I don’t know maybe worse. We laughed and joked and said he could be my dad. Then finally we come around his kitchen wall, and into his living room. And there he was. Sitting in an old wood framed chair with the cabin cushions on it, controller to some game console in his hand..there he was!! My heart started to pound, my hands got sweaty. I came in and sat down, talk to the man that dated my mom a bit. Then we spoke. We didn’t say much but we talk I don’t remember exactly how it went but that day it was all over for me. I don’t know what drew me to him, why my breathing was at a halt, but it happened.

Even writing this now I hold my breath. I could go into detail of all our encounters since then but only a few come to my mind. Sneaking out of my aunt and uncle’s just to see him, just to make out with him. My best friend was into his best friend and so it worked out nice for the four of us. After prom I left my date to go back to the man that dated my moms house. And there he was! My best friend was there and his best friend and a few of our mutual friends. That as a great night. We stayed out on the side porch in the dark, I sat up on a table, he stood in front of me and we just made out for hours. Magic. Another time I remember staying with his cousins girlfriend because we were friends and we snuck out to see them. I took a big gallon of homemade wine from my aunt and uncle’s and we ran around our little town drinking and chugging it. Great night with him again. But something happened. I don’t know if I was getting sick of not being official or what but I decided to go hang out with a few friends at my previous and an ex.

I ended up staying there and got dropped off at school late the next day…and from then on it was different. I screwed it up. I was devastated. Every time I saw him my stomach was in knots. He told me he wasn’t mad but I could tell it was all over.

Fast forward after senor year, graduation, me moving to a new county,the birth of my daughter, and a break up. I finally move back home. It was a hot summer day, my mother and I take my daughter to the Valley picnic. I see all my old friends we all start talking and one of them says there Ryetl. My heart flutters, I start to sweat, literally start to shake. I look over and there he is. Talking to a friend eating fries. I could not help but stare. He sees me, grins puts his head down still smiling and walks over to me and my friend. First conversation since high school. We all make plans to go out to are local watering hole that night. And we did. I showed up and he was right inside the door, we sat up at the bar and talk for a while. The bar was closing and he asked me to come back to the cabin where everyone was partying. Of course I said yes. Fireworks.

We ended being at every party together, I’d go where he was, he would be where I would be. I fell in love all over again and I don’t think he ever even knew how I truly felt about him. I was crazy over him. At this point though I was on the fence. I felt like he didn’t want me, I was just fun for the moment, I felt used, 2ND best because I was being told I wasn’t the only one. I didn’t think he would ever be with me the way I wanted to be with him because of he would of asked me to ever marry him and be with him the rest of his life. O would of done it with no hesitation. He didn’t want me like that I felt. So I strayed away. I’d always come back to him but after a few weeks of not talking or him not answering me, I gave up and moved on.

Just when I was getting use to not living the fast life, not going to his place or meeting at a party spot and just sleeping cuddled up with someone else in my bed…I get a text. The wind was crazy that night, and I don’t know why he thought of me. He said about the weather, said of I wanted bring a movie and we can cuddle up and watch it. It took every thing in me, I was even thinking up excuses and lies to tell the other person laying in my bed, but in the end I stayed in bed. As much as my heart, and my head was telling me, go to him, I didn’t.

Us living in a small town, we see each other from time to time, we just smile and say hey. May have a casual conversation nothing more. He had gone off and got married, I had my son now. We grew apart. But that doesn’t keep me from dreaming of him, checking up on him, and wondering what if. I honestly think a part of me will always wonder what we could of been ….